Primetime Pornstar

I don’t know if it’s just me, but this fall it seems as if there are more new television shows than in the history of all of broadcasting.  Finding new and entertaining shows that won’t be cancelled after six episodes can be a daunting task.

But I’m taking a chance on “The Event”, and not because it is being marketed as the digital spawn of laid to rest shows “Lost” and “24”.  I get annoyed when shows try to lure viewers by comparing themselves to hit franchises.  Like when a promo for a new show says, “brought to you by the network that brought you Grey’s Anatomy!”  By the whole network?  I can see saying by a producer or director or a writer, but a network?  They may as well say, “brought to you by the moving picture format that brought you Full House!” Or “brought to you by the planet that gave you life!”

I’m watching “The Event” for a much bigger purpose.  I’m watching it because I have a mad crush on Jason Ritter.  He is the twenty-something son of John Ritter, and he is beyond adorable.  I just want to pinch his cheeks.  The ones on his face.  Well, and the other ones too.

While watching the first episode, I realized one of the security men following President Blair Underwood around looked alarmingly familiar to me.  So much so that I thought maybe I knew him from somewhere, and not even from another TV show or movie, but in actual real life.  Who was he?  He had maybe one line in the entire episode, but his face flashed onscreen a few times.

Since lately I have a low attention span, I forgot about looking him up on IMDB until I watched the second episode last week and noticed him again.  I racked my brain as to where I could know him from, and then I grabbed my laptop.

Before I continue with this story, I should back pedal and explain that I used to work at Playboy a few years ago.  I worked for a division that had to verify all of the actors and actresses in the home videos were over 18 years of age.  So my job consisted of making lots of copies of photo IDs and putting them in the correct movie files.  My job also included watching many of the movies to make sure the correct cast list was included in the files.

The world of porn is a lot like the world of Barbies.  Growing up, I had about 73 Barbies, and maybe three or four Kens.  So the Kens would go on dates with more than one Barbie at a time.  Sometimes Ken would have 15 dates in one night.  Well, it’s the same with porn.  Not only are the women usually just as plastic as the impossibly proportioned Mattel dolls, there are also a lot more women than men.  Often the same six or seven male actors star in the majority of the movies, rotating themselves amidst the slew of women like Viagra-popping boy toys.

So the men became recognizable to me.  Most of them were not all that attractive.  Not Ron Jeremy hideous, but no one you would want to see naked.  But a few were actually pretty cute.  Yes they were gross because usually their heavily tanned skin was glistening with sweat and body oil, but in the rare scenes where they weren’t pillaging some interchangeable coked-up poptart, they didn’t look half bad.  And since I had to copy their IDs so many times, their faces became burned into my never-innocent-again brain.

Jump to last Monday.  While scrolling down the list of actors I clicked on Agent Josh Miller, played by Mark Weiler.  Up pops his handsome face, and I scroll down to see other credits.  “The Forgotten”, “Cold Case”, “The Mentalist”, “The Hills Have Thighs”…wait – the hills have THIGHS?

Right then a flashback of standing in the copy room at Playboy came rushing back into my memory.  As I scrolled down further, I saw titles like “Cleavagefield”,  “The Erotic Traveler”, and “The Perfect Match” where he played a character named “Harry Ballcock Jr.”  Mark Weiler also goes by the name Matt Wilde, and Matt Wilde is a pornstar. 

I couldn’t believe it.  This guy who is often the leading male role in porn flicks is now basically a glorified extra in random primetime television shows.  Now I am all for a porn actor breaking into mainstream acting.  Traci Lords sort of did it in the 90s, so why not this Mark Weiler guy?  What makes me laugh is picturing the men or women who might be watching this show with their significant others asking the same question that I asked: Where do I know this guy from?  This could get secret porn addicts into some serious trouble. 

Secret Porn Addict: “Honey who is that guy?  Why does he look familiar?”

Significant Other: “I’ve never seen him before in my life.”

Secret Porn Addict:  “No, come on, he’s so familiar! [pulls out iPhone to look up IMDB]  I’m gonna prove that guy is someone.  I can’t believe you don’t recognize him!  See, Cold Case, The Young and the Restless, The Hills Have…um, no nevermind, I don’t know him.”

Significant Other:  “Wait, what else?  The Hills Have Eyes?  We saw that movie together.  But that guy isn’t in that movie.  Let me see that phone.”

“The Event” airs Mondays at 9pm on NBC.  “The Hills Have Thighs” can be found in the curtained off room at your local video store.

UPDATE: Learn more about Mark Weiler by reading my interview with him:

This entry was posted in Pointless Importance, Too Much Television. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Primetime Pornstar

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