From Boozification to Beautification

My life is a perpetual effort against morphing into a round, bulbous, blubbery beach ball.  So about a year ago, I auditioned to participate in the Bravo TV show Thintervention with Jackie Warner.  This new reality show was searching for Los Angeles residents who were looking to shed some weight.  Jackie Warner is the star of Bravo’s Work Out, and she is a hardcore personal trainer who owns her own gym in Beverly Hills.  So I thought this opportunity might be fun and motivating.  For me it was less about being on television (that part actually terrifies me), and more about getting free personal training with a top trainer. 

During my casting session, I was asked, “Could you eat a large pizza in one sitting?”  I thought about it and said, “I think so, I’ve never sat down and tried, but I like pizza so yes I think I could.”  Then he followed up with, “What about more than one large pizza?  Could you eat more than one large pizza?”  This stumped me.  He was looking at me with this crazed wide-eyed stare, waiting for my answer.  My palms began to sweat and I wondered if maybe I was accidentally trying out to be the new host of “Man vs. Food”, where the host gorges himself in overeating competitions at local restaurants around America. 

Now I’m a good eater, but I just didn’t know if I could eat more than one large pizza.  And even if I could, I wasn’t sure I was willing to admit that to this fatty finder and his trusty casting assistant.  I sheepishly said, “No, no I don’t think I could eat more than one large pizza.”

The audition wrapped up pretty quickly after that.  I wasn’t cast on the show, and was later told that I wasn’t heavy enough.  I would have thought being told I wasn’t chubby enough would have made me happy, but I felt like a failure.  Filming the show would have been hilarious, and I would have gotten into such great shape.  I just kept thinking, if only I had said I could eat more than one large pizza!  Who knew that a lack of gluttony would hold me back in life.

So this past Sunday when I was with my friends recovering from Halloween festivities, I turned on Bravo because a Kathy Griffin comedy special was starting in a few minutes.  While waiting for Kathy to start, we caught the last five minutes of the season finale of Thintervention.  Out of childish bitterness I had boycotted ever watching the show, because I just couldn’t handle watching the other people they chose over me get fit.  So I had never seen it.  They were doing the wrap up, talking about how everyone plans to continue living a healthier life.  A blonde woman appeared on the screen, and the announcer said that the woman will continue her hikes, and she will “cut down to one mimosa per brunch.”

I screamed.  We all screamed.  I kept repeating, “That was supposed to be me!  That was supposed to be ME!!!!!”  I am Mimosa Hermosa Stevens!  I live for drinking mimosas!  And here was this woman, smiling, holding up a mimosa, taking MY SPOT on television! 

My friend turned to me and said, “See, they shouldn’t have asked you if you could eat more than one pizza, then should have asked you how many mimosas you can drink in one sitting!”  And she was right!  Food isn’t necessarily my problem, although it is, lets not lie, but alcohol plays a big factor in my weight control issues.  Cuz I love me some booze.

I mostly thought it was funny that this woman was also a mimosa lover and I wasn’t actually angry, but now I’m thinking that maybe this was some sort of sign.  Sure, I didn’t get free personal training from a top LA trainer, but I’ve had a Bally’s membership since I was 16 years old.  Maybe this was a cosmic message telling me put down the champagne bottle and pick up the seven pound dumbbell.   

This got me to thinking.  Maybe being Mimosa Hermosa Stevens isn’t just about dressing up in costumes and drinking a lot of mimosas.  Mimosas mix the sophistication of champagne with the accessible simplicity of orange juice.  And that is sort my own personality cocktail, which is down to earth and a tad bit fruity, swirled with the bubbly sparkly glamour I seek to create within me. 

I don’t actually need to drink a mimosa to BE a Mimosa!

I love myself enough to realize that I need to make a change.  I need to take better care of my body, mind, and spirit.  Health and happiness is a personal commitment, and I’m ready to commit to myself.  I’m not saying I’m never going to drink again, but I’m going to find fun outside of sugary alcohol and get back to the aerobics classes that I love.  I am setting sail on a journey from boozification to beautification.  Cheers to me!  Oh wait, that’s an alcohol reference isn’t it?  Carrots to me!?  Yes that’s it!  I did randomly see a carrot on a floor at the Halloween party I just attended!  Another sign?  I’m going with yes. 

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This entry was posted in Cuz I Got To Have Faith, Pointless Importance, Too Much Television. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to From Boozification to Beautification

  1. nas3988 says:

    Yes, I must agree that a random carrot on the floor of a Halloween mansion party must be another sign. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. This has inspired me too. I can’t wait to praise this carrot for my beautification results.

  2. All hail the Halloween Carrot!!!!!!!!!

  3. tiny says:

    I love you. That is all. ❤

  4. Pingback: From Boozification to Beautification (via Mimosa Meltdown) « See Tiny Run

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