I can’t watch those entertainment news shows like Extra!. The hosts are always spastically shouting and for some reason the producers feel the need to flash 200 pictures per second. “Coming up next, Kim Kardashian goes to 7-11 but FIRST ‘Extra!’ the shocking secret that Michael Lohan doesn’t want you to know but NOW ‘Extra!’ here is a picture of my neighbor’s cat for no reason at all! ‘Extra!'”
All of those jolting images sends me on the brink of an epileptic seizure. Then not to mention the banter between the hosts. They chuckle and smile those fake vaseline smiles and they are just so happy with themselves. And here is a pointless newsflash for you, Mario Lopez. No matter how short you cut your hair or how many suits you wear, we are all still picturing you with that Slater mullet as you flex your biceps wearing that way too revealing wrestling outfit. And while we’re at it, attention please Billy Bush. Stop smiling and looking so crazed you smug elfish doof. I think you might be the creepy uncle of Spencer Pratt, and you are giving me nightmares.
I’m also reaching an age where I can no longer watch MTV. Not one show. (Exception: there is one show. Jersey Shore. I’m not proud.) Videos, yes of course, I love music videos. But they rarely play them. I can’t tell if the shows have just gotten REALLY bad, or if I’ve just outgrown them. I used to love to watch Singled Out, both when Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra were hosts. But I wonder if that show were to come out now, if I would hate it.
Today, the [no] music channel is almost always playing some confusing show that I don’t understand. If I ever accidentally catch a glimpse of one of the shows, I get a feeling of serious dread. I get the sense that the characters are screaming at me, and even if I turn the volume down to the lowest it can go before it is muted, it is still way too loud. My ears feel like they are being poked with pointy objects and it somehow feels like the show itself is laughing at me. I have no point of identification to any of the material. It’s almost as if I’m watching something in a different language, or as if I’m Charlie Brown’s parents, and I only speak “wah wah wah wah wah wah” while those youngins chatter amongst themselves.
Am I turning into those out of touch people who just don’t get the wacky teenagers of today? I think so, because for the life of me, I will never understand Beiber Fever.
I want my MTV. But it is long gone, along with Kurt Loder’s natural hairline.