So, it’s looking more and more like this whole apocalypse thing is gonna happen. Birds are falling from the sky, dead fish are washing to shore, the E! show Bridalplasty exists…it isn’t looking good for us.
I myself get an almost euphoric feeling when thinking of the apocalypse, as if it is something to look forward to. This is perhaps the result of too much movie watching, because the movies really start to get good when aliens arrive and take over our planet. It could also be the pending loss of control. Most of us are always trying so hard to control every aspect of our lives, which can really become exhausting. If the world simply ends in a way that is completely out of our control, we don’t have to feel guilty about never landing that dream job or not resolving that argument we got into with a sibling. It is just over and no amount of ambition could change that. It is kind of a relief.
The threat of a nearing apocalypse might be an incentive to some to just give up on life. What is the point of going after your dreams and becoming the person you want to be if we are all just gonna die anyway?
Well, apocalypse or not, we will all eventually die. This doesn’t mean we should just roam around like slovenly pigs, eating supersized meals and sleeping our weekends away. It is the shortness of life that makes it special and meaningful. So if this really is the final year before some sort of global catastrophe, shouldn’t we make this the best year of our lives? Shouldn’t we work hard and play hard and love hard and actually make an effort to truly enjoy ourselves?
And what if the world doesn’t just spontaneously combust into a fiery ball? What if we aren’t all just helpless Arkansas blackbirds that fall dead from the sky? What if we have a chance to save ourselves?
Well I’m here to announce today, that I, for one, am NOT going down without a fight. I’m not gonna be one of those people who welcomes the end of time with open arms and an eternal nap. No way. I’m in the prime of my life. Things are just starting to get good. Meteorites and earthquakes and zombies be damned. I’m gonna live.
But if I really am going to make a go of it against our fated doom, I need to prepare. Yes, I need to get fit for the apocalypse. I need to say goodbye to my current cozy marshmallow physique and hello to a leaner, meaner fighting machine. This isn’t just any old wimpy New Year’s resolution, this animalistic survival.
I will be dragging out my Jane Fonda aerobics tapes, because who better to train me for the fight for mankind other than Barbarella herself. This personal Rocky montage will not be easy. Sleeping in instead of hitting the gym can no longer be an option.
But if there was ever a time for real, true incentive, that time is now. Because I will not be one of those extraneous actors in the beginning of the movie 2012 that gets swallowed up into the Earth while a limber John Cusack sprints past them. I will not be one of the out of shape blobs in Shawn of the Dead or Zombieland who are unable to outrun the ravenous undead. No way. I’m making myself into one of the main characters in this blockbuster disaster flick, and in true movie fashion, I might even find the love of my life by the time we reach the dawning of a new day.