Good Vibrations

I’m pretty much addicted to VH1 Classic, the Palladia channel, and the LOGO network.  If any of you out there have also watched these channels in the past month or so and live in southern California, I’m pretty sure you will be familiar with my topic of today.  Because it seems as if every other commercial break currently features the newest advertisement for Trojan Vibrations. 

The ad features a group of women at a bachelorette party.  The guest of honor opens up a gift and immediately becomes very excited.  In fact, she seems to know so much about the packaging that she only needs one glance to exclaim, “Oh my, it’s the new Trojan Vibrating Triphoria Massager!”

The other women squeal and it turns out that not only did she get one massager…she received three!  It seems as though when you use this massager, your hair becomes blown back, and you resemble that guy from those old Maxell cassette tape commercials.  Somehow three of her friends had entered the house and managed to face everyone perfectly dead on so that no one would see their hair standing up straight from the back of their heads until the big reveal.

But that isn’t even the most unbelievable part.  No, the real false advertising comes at the end of the ad, when our randy little heroine asks her fiance, “Remember that massager that we talked about?  We got three of them!”  And her Carson Daly clone loved one practically orgasms right there on the kitchen island and with the eager slap of his hand against the countertop he exclaims, “SWEET!!!!!”

Really guy?  Um…I’m sorry, but most men really don’t get that excited about vibrators unless they are planning on using them on themselves, which I say go for it!, but I feel that is not the message that Trojan is sending.  Trojan seems to be marketing the falsity that the male population is so secure in their sexual prowess that they would be ecstatic to introduce three vibrating plastic wangs into their bedroom.  In an ideal world, men would not be threatened by multi-interchangeable tips powered by rechargeable heavy duty batteries.  But that is just not the case. 

So women, if you feel like you want to toss a vibrator into your love making sessions, I suggest not shocking your lover with three at once.  In fact, maybe just start off with a back massager that you accidentally drop into your lap.  Oops honey can you get that?  Oh wait, that doesn’t feel so bad…

Then maybe work your way up to multiple toys.  But always remember to remind him that the toys are only there to enhance the experience, not to replace his more than adequate manhood.  And maybe leave those discussions out of the kitchen.  For heaven’s sake, you eat in there.  Have some dignity.

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One Response to Good Vibrations

  1. nas3988 says:

    I’m not sure how I feel about a vibrator that has the capabilities to undesirably rearrange my hair. And please tell me what kind of guy is excited about using a vibrator rather than his own penis to pleasure a chic? A guy with a microscopic penis, that’s who.

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