So I hear this Rapture thing is happening this Saturday, May 21, 2011. Since I can’t decide what to wear when I finally meet our Creator, I shall instead offer these five embarrassing confessions to The Almighty before Judgment Day so that he might reconsider condemning me to the blazing bowels of purgatory. Unless purgatory is the Lost island, in which case, book me on the next Oceanic Flight 815.
1. Whenever I bite into a brussel sprout, I have a sudden irrational fear I may at any moment bite into a tiny cabbage patch kid. Then I find myself almost wanting it to happen.
2. I think Kermit the Frog is sexy. I want to make out with him on his row boat while he sings to me about the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me. Do you consider lusting after an amphibian felt puppet bestiality?
3. I was really happy when I first heard Osama Bin Laden was dead. And then I felt guilty for feeling happy that someone was dead. And then I felt guilty for feeling guilty about being happy that Osama Bin Laden was dead. Basically I just want you to tell me if I should feel happy about it or not.
4. When we were 11 years old, my best friend Samantha and I would memorize all the lyrics to our favorite songs from her Dad’s record collection. We liked to memorize the longest songs the most. So to this day, I still know all the words to Don McLean’s American Pie and a handful of the lyrics to Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire. While maybe not technically a sin, it is still something I’m pretty sure I should be ashamed of.
5. I sometimes daydream about roofying hot gay men.
Ok, there you go Lord. I hope you have mercy on my warped little soul. Now back to planning my outfit. Oooh…I wonder if I have time to score some of those Alexander McQueen platform shoes with no heels that Lady Gaga is always wobbling around in. I think it might impress him since walking in those looks just as hard if not harder than walking on water.