The Bible Guarantees It

So I hear this Rapture thing is happening this Saturday, May 21, 2011.  Since I can’t decide what to wear when I finally meet our Creator, I shall instead offer these five embarrassing confessions to The Almighty before Judgment Day so that he might reconsider condemning me to the blazing bowels of purgatory.  Unless purgatory is the Lost island, in which case, book me on the next Oceanic Flight 815.

1.  Whenever I bite into a brussel sprout, I have a sudden irrational fear I may at any moment bite into a tiny cabbage patch kid.  Then I find myself almost wanting it to happen.

2.  I think Kermit the Frog is sexy.  I want to make out with him on his row boat while he sings to me about the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me.  Do you consider lusting after an amphibian felt puppet bestiality?

3.  I was really happy when I first heard Osama Bin Laden was dead.  And then I felt guilty for feeling happy that someone was dead.  And then I felt guilty for feeling guilty about being happy that Osama Bin Laden was dead.  Basically I just want you to tell me if I should feel happy about it or not.

4.  When we were 11 years old, my best friend Samantha and I would memorize all the lyrics to our favorite songs from her Dad’s record collection.  We liked to memorize the longest songs the most.  So to this day, I still know all the words to Don McLean’s American Pie and a handful of the lyrics to Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire.  While maybe not technically a sin, it is still something I’m pretty sure I should be ashamed of.

5.  I sometimes daydream about roofying hot gay men.

Ok, there you go Lord.  I hope you have mercy on my warped little soul.  Now back to planning my outfit.  Oooh…I wonder if I have time to score some of those Alexander McQueen platform shoes with no heels that Lady Gaga is always wobbling around in.  I think it might impress him since walking in those looks just as hard if not harder than walking on water.

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5 Responses to The Bible Guarantees It

  1. Poopy McGee says:

    I sure as hell hope this rapture thing doesn’t happen. There’s so many things I want to look forward to. Here’s a incomplete list in no necessary order:

    (1) The Captain America movie.
    (2) The Avengers movie.
    (3) Next season of Parks and Recreation
    (4) I seriously need to know who’s taking over for Michael Scott.
    (5) I have tickets to the Cards/Cubs game on June 5th.
    (6) Flying cars.
    (7) Electric toothpaste. (I’m not sure what this is, but I read an article about it once. Or maybe I was dreaming. Whichever. Sounds cool.)
    (8) I still haven’t seen Toronto.
    (9) I want to make an entire movie featuring dogs on unicycles.
    (10) On a related note, the final master plan of Project Unicycle. I would like to see that come to fruition.
    (11) I want to make out with two chicks. At once. (Maybe a bit more… ?)
    (12) I still haven’t seen Kinshasa.
    (13) The next Batman movie.
    (14) Two words: President Clooney
    (15) Those self-lacing shoes from Back to the Future 2.
    (16) The return of Sarah Michelle Gellar to prime time. Sure it’s the CW, but beggers can’t be choosers.
    (17) On a related note, the inevitable divorce of UPN and the WB. I know the CW can’t last long. Bring back Moesha!
    (18) The death of Osama bin Laden The Puppy Bowl!
    (19) I still haven’t seen Pyongyang.
    (20) Having sex with a robot.

    • Brilliant. Yes, we totally need to Project Unicycle the SHIT out of this rapture. I’m also holding out for that magic machine in the Jetsons that you walk into and it dresses you in an instant. Oh, that reminds me, WHERE ARE OUR FLYING CARS? Fucking sci-fi cartoon liars.

      • Oh crap…what about our Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows movie? Can we finish it by Saturday??? Dear Lord, please at least wait until we complete our facial hair masterpiece!!!

      • Poopy McGee says:

        I want one of those machines we saw in Star Trek the Next Generation where you say what kind of food you want and… BAM… it appears! Although, it has to have some sort of safety net built into it. Otherwise, I’m going to wake up on a Saturday afternoon with a hangover and surrounded by 80 bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

      • Well, if it does happen, at least we’ve RSVP’d to the post rapture looting invite on Facebook. The humor behind that at least gives me a false sense of security. We will definitely need to stake out an abandoned building of some kind to store all of our looted unicycles.

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